3 Things That Make a Lasting Relationship

My fiance and I have been together for almost seven years now, getting married in a couple months. We met pretty young, I was 18, he was 19. I think staying in love is easier than people think they just have some misconceptions about what love is. When I look at my fiance I don't feel like a bolt of lightning, I don't get butterflies, I don't feel like I have to jump his bones. What you have after that fades is actual love. It feels like a warm blanket or your favorite food that your mom made, or laughing with your friends. It feels like security and comfort and contentment. You look at them and feel safe. It's intimacy and connection. But it doesn't feel like a fairy tale, it feels like your life but with someone who has your back. But change freaks people out and if you haven't felt like that before then you might mistake for being out of love. Love is not your fuck buddy, it's your partner.

i’ve learned so much about the difference between love vs. infatuation. i’ve heard stories of how those married now felt with others, compared to their spouse and it all seems so different.

it’s funny to me because many have set rules to dating, but i’m realizing every day that these rules are mainly situational & when it comes to love, there really isn’t anything such as ‘rules’, it’s this inner voice that you follow, without needing reassurance from any external source.

i remember my mom’s bsf always telling me to follow my heart and she’d smile every time as she would talk about her husband. in my mind at the time, i was like, “she doesn’t get it!” but seeing her perspective after conversing with older and wiser individuals, i am beginning to understand her now. love for her didn’t consist of ego, she just went for it bc she was so sure of it. she didn’t care what her mom had to say, what her friends had to say, she may have broke ‘girl code’—but she told me, “when you’re so in love, you just can’t rationalize it. you do what feels right to you, even if others will judge.”

i’d love to hear your stories.

what was the main thing that they did for you? what did it feel like? did you ever wonder if you’d be alone forever?

love is genuinely so beautiful to me. i’m not talking about the love where you feel sparks and butterflies, but this knowing rather than a burning passion; almost as if you’re naturally committed and devoted.

In the beginning, everything can feel exciting and hopeful, but some subtle signs can reveal whether a relationship has real potential. What’s something you noticed early on, like a certain kind of communication, support, or ease, that made you feel, This might actually work long-term?

I (35F) was in a relationship with 35M for a decade. Two years ago, he proposed, and I said yes. At the time, I absolutely wanted to get married to him. Our wedding would have been this December.

Six months ago, though, I just felt like I couldn't go through with it; I couldn't shake the thought that the relationship wasn't right for me. So I ended things: it just didn't seem right to waste any more of his time, with the wedding fast approaching, and having already spent a decade. He begged for us to go to couples' counseling, to see if we could work things out. But I felt certain in my decision at the time, so it didn't seem like a good idea to drag things out more.

Since then, things have been hell emotionally. (I know, as the villainous party here, that I don't deserve to feel sad, and that what he must be going through is infinitely worse.) I feel so guilty for breaking his heart in such a brutal and public way. When I said that I would marry him, I promised to love him for the rest of my life, and I broke that promise. I miss him a lot sometimes. Sometimes I regret throwing away ten years and a relationship that (I think) a lot of people would be thrilled to have. My family is bewildered by my decision and very unsupportive. They do not think I will be able to find anyone as nice or good as him (their words), and that-as someone who wants to start a family-I should be realistic about my prospects and biological clock. His family is incredibly hurt and disappointed, understandably. He and I have spoken only twice since I ended things, but he has made clear each time that the door is still open on his end.

Did I make the biggest mistake of my life?

There were truly no major issues in our relationship. He is kind, supportive, and thoughtful. We have similar senses of humor and are aligned politically, religiously, and in other important respects. We both have good careers and are financially stable. He loves me. Without a doubt, he would be a wonderful husband and father. In many ways, he is the perfect match for me, at least on paper.

But I wasn't happy with him, hadn't been for years. I kept pushing through, though, because-I thought-that's what you do when you love someone, care about them, commit to them. For one thing, we had one core disagreement: about where we would ultimately settle down (he insisted on being in his hometown long term; I wanted to remain open). We never fully resolved this disagreement, and it always simmered in the background of our relationship. Also, he tended to be down and negative a lot of the time (due mostly to external factors, to be sure), but he would hold his feelings in and be reluctant to share with me what he was struggling with, out of shame or insecurity. It left us in a place where I knew there was something wrong, but I was often in the dark about exactly what. (I probably didn't create a safe enough environment for him to feel comfortable sharing, so this wasn't solely on him.) The perpetual gloom weighed heavily on me, to the point where, if I was out with friends, it was more fun without him around. And I lost a lot of my romantic attraction to him: toward the end, being with him was more like having a best friend and roommate.

These aren't big things, though, right? I know that the things I touched on above are issues, but are they insurmountable? Did I owe it to him to try to work those things out in couples' therapy instead of breaking things off so abruptly? No marriage is perfect. Am I just expecting too much from a relationship? How can you tell when a relationship is worth saving and when it's time to cut your losses?

1. Both are willing to make sacrifices for each other — career, personal, time etc.
2. You do not fear telling each other things that may not be pleasing. For eg, bad habits, behaviour or different opinion.

My now husband and I got into a conversation about something he did that I felt was disrespectful and he demonstrated conflict resolution skills. I was ready to end things, but he listened, understood where I was coming from, and explained his side without making excuses. I knew right then I had a relationship where I wouldn’t carry the burden of solving all of our problems on my own, an issue I’d had in previous relationships.

My wife and I have been together 6 years. We've known each other for 8. We were very close a year before we began dating. We slowly fell in love like a movie.

The love "fades" in some people's eyes but I say it just evolves. I'm still just as smitten as I was 7 years ago. We have a good sex life - which we work together on. We value each other and the relationship and because of that I feel like we put in the effort it deserves. By doing the stupid cliché things like talking to each other, going on adventures together, making time to tell them how much you appreciate them, making sure you say I love you every day really does help. I always consciously make sure I give my wife a massage a couple times a month bc I know she appreciates them and I like making her feel good. But in the back of my head I know its good for us and its a bonding experience every time I do it.

After about 18 years together I think it's not that you fall out of love with someone first, but more like you fall out of appreciation, you fall out of respect, you fall out of friendship first and without those things you really do not have room for love. It is really easy to let life get in the way of all those things. You can easily start taking each other for granted, you don't make time for each other and instead of talking about something that bothers you to each other, you find yourself talking to other people about it. Thankfully that's not something that we allow to happen in our lives. Every single week we have a date night. Doesn't always have to be extravagant, hell some date nights it could just be getting some adult, boring, chore done while the kid is at a sitter, and some fast food but it is our time together to sit and talk and just be us two. Some times we go for a fancier dinner and sometimes we literally just drive around for several hours talking about everything and reconnecting and sometimes it gets really freaky XD.

We also find it important to always thank the other one for doing something even if the other was "suppose" to do it. We thank whoever cooks, we thank whoever does the laundry, etc. Thank you goes along way and lastly but certainly not least, if we ever, ever have a problem with each other and we do, because we are human and we can be assholes, that is between us and no one else. The neighbor across the street doesn't need to know why I think my SO is pissing me off, he does and vice versa. I can't fix the problem if everyone but us knows.

I've been married for over 38 years and I'll give you the piece of advice I give to anyone who asks about how to sustain a long marriage. Loving someone is a choice you make almost every day. The times will come when you are so angry at your loved one that you just want to scream or smack them one. Or you're bored with them and in your head you're thinking, I don't love them any more. You're looking at them and thinking, why am I here? Lots of things cause a marriage or relationship to go stale. Here's the advice: Every day think to yourself I'm going to love this person today. I may not be feeling it, but I am going to love them. Sometimes you may have to do this for a long time because the starry eyed love stage is not happening. But, then, guess what? It comes back. And it's like you're newly in love all over again.

What made you decide to leave a long term relationship where you still cared for your partner? Was it difficult at the time, how did you overcome this, and did you feel like it was the right/wrong decision long term?

1. Low expectations.
2. Willingness to do things for the other, without counting.
3. Honesty, and large heartedness when something adverse is shared.

A lot would depend on cultural context. This is only very rough.

No matter what the answer is, never forget that you will be different people in 20 years. To truly keep it forever, you have to grow together as much as you do individually. Change is inevitable.

accept that no one is perfect. your mate will at times confound and annoy you. it's ok. you let it ride because you know who they are and where their motivations come from. as long as they do the same for you you are good.

and sex. have it. it's good, it's fun, it makes bonds we don't even understand.

My husband and I like to blame things on an imaginary fat kid named Peter.

For example, I really hate it when Peter uses all the ice cubes and puts the trays back in the freezer empty. My husband on the other hand dislikes Peter's habit of eating all the cookies after he goes to bed.

So we commiserate and bitch to each other about what a useless asshole Peter is while he fills ice cube trays and I make more cookies (because someone has to do this stuff and it's obviously not going to be that little shit Peter).

Our sex life isnt the greatest, or existent at all for that matter. Hes busy working and often times he doesnt want to do anything. So, we came up with something to make up for all that. We kind of roleplay via texts. It started with "what would you do if i...." and then escalated. That way, we can do things that we'll never be able to do in real life.

God this is awkward as hell. Excuse me while i go die under a rock somewhere.

A full commitment is what I'm thinking of.

My missus and I have been going for 17 years. We make each other laugh a lot. Laughter really is the best medicine.

be honest even when it’s uncomfortable

Good communication, trust, honesty, accountability.

Good communication and respecting boundaries

Been single for while but from what I've seen with my buddies who made it work - it's not just talking but actually listening to what the other person is saying instead of just waiting for your turn to speak

Good communication and in my opinion the ability for forgive.